A back with many holes, an aching heart, a bruised ego, self-doubts, regular fears and worries and more white hairs. Not to mention more pile of work to catch up with and a social life to revive.

If you think you've seen most of what life has to offer, think again. Even I am surprised. I've been through one hell of a roller coaster ride these past 10 weeks. Malicious, manipulative, devious people who has unimaginably thick masks to hide behind as well as many lies to spout, incredibly selfish people who honestly think that the world revolves around them, and people who are direct and tactless, careless with their words and sharp with their thoughts (sometimes a little too sharp).

Did I know I was going to be lied to? That I would face a crowd of clever actors and actresses who either in reality are actually insecure, hurting individuals trying to look intimidating or are planning for some grand master plan for self-gain? Did I know I was going to be fooled, to be slammed down hard, to not get what I had thought I could get? Did I know I was going to struggling with self-esteem problems on a whole new level? Did I know, I was going to miss what I had back in the Secondary school days when life was a lot less filled with dramas and tensions, and especially what I had shared with the people there?

I was not prepared for it. For a few days, not consecutively, I was not what I had started out to be. I couldn't smile as much as I normally would, I had my plate so filled that my head would hurt and I'd be exhausted mentally and emotionally within minutes. I was glum, I no longer radiated anything. I dare not speak too much, 'fraid I say something wrong.

Friendship problems started to arise, slapping me hard in the face with feelings of loneliness, anger, neglectfulness, desertion, unjust, confusion, desperation, anguish carrying along with it. I make friends and I lose some. A few that were once so dear to me. I become more paranoid, wondering all the time if the friendship with that certain few is authentic or platonic. Wondering if I should hold onto it or let go. Fearful of this person entering my life today to leave one day soon. Is it my fault or theirs? That is another dimension to look into and to analyse. It drains me.

You get wronged for certain things and misjudged. You could be genuinely sincere, you could be looking into the person's eye, catching everything they say word for word, and yet be tagged as being fake. You could be called for and contacted more often by some teachers, and with your response to it to help out, you could be seen as a suck-up or a wannabe teacher's pet. You'll be thrown with new adjectives that had not crossed your mind before to use.

It's amazing. All these feelings feels like an infected wound that is steadily growing worse and that stings more frequently. One that bleeds, that has dirt all around, that is sore.

I've in fact almost perfected my impartiality in dire situations. I have learnt a few valuable 'morals': -

1. Whatever that does not kill you only makes you stronger.

2. In a conflict, it is never only one person's fault. All parties involved have a part to blame.

3. Everything has a blessing in disguise.

4. Begin with the end in mind.

5. Many things can hit you, break you and push you, but it's how you stand at the end that accounts for what you really are.

6. You can be as technical as you like on intangible things like friendship and love, but at the end of the day, perception sets everything apart.

7. You can't always get what you like and what you want, so don't expect so much. In fact, try not to even expect anything.

8. It takes more effort and energy to hate someone than to love. You spend more time picking on their flaws than to accept them. Neutrality is the way to go.

9. Be sincere in making friends, in talking to people. Make them feel like their existence matter.

10. Do not be impatient. Improvements comes with time, being hard on yourself does not make result appear any faster.

These are the 10 I can think of at least, in no order. Trying to integrate them with how I view problems.

Can these help me get through a year half more of school? I really, really hope so. I wish to blog and update you with the thousands of photos I owe. I want to get straight As or a few Bs. I... am distraught.

Can I do it?

I know she is one of them who believes me.

Thank you Shereen, for reappearing in my life in 2007. For staying with me till now. For being my friend, a friend I see myself with many, many years down the road till our hairs turn gray. (lolz i know, i know, cheesy)

You know how you have to have that one friend that stays with you all the way? I believe I have one here.

It's post-Shereen day as of now, but Happy (belated) Birthday @sherzywerzy. @enex is grateful for 16 June, 1994.

*:*:*:*

Thank you for taking the time to read this post, and thank you for your support for this blog, for having your loyalty not fully wavered despite the lack of postings. It's people like you guys who makes blogging a lot more enjoyable.

I want to blog soon, but it will depend on school's schedule for me now :(

I've had a very, very filled first three weeks of my holiday. And I mean filled. In the coming final week, time will be invested on trying to ace my H2 subjects. A B is also good, and I hope I don't get a grade lower. Mid-years for my H2 subjects will be at the end of the month and it will then be the start of Semester 2. Soon it will be my promotions exams and then in a blink of an eye, I will be in J2, preparing for my A's.

Sigh, I'm growing up so fast. Seems like just yesterday I'd be home in front of my computer somewhere in the mid of 2006 typing furiously, blogging about my day earlier on with Pris walking Caley or some outing or adventure I've had.

toodles.

[post edited on 21//06]