The rain, slapping lightly on the screens in front of her, the drips of rain forming a ripple as it reaches the ground. The rich odour of roses, and when the light summer wind stirred amidst the trees of the garden, it was so far away from what she sees. She couldn't even catch the gleam of the honey-sweet and honey-coloured blossoms of a laburnum.

The people around her, all huddled in groups of two, four and more. The groups in even numbers, all around her, laughing gaily, with smile of pleasure passing across their faces, and seemed about to linger there, it was all just happening, without her.

Her eyes, reading the parchment in front of her, not leaving a single trace in her mind, could only fill the meanings of what wanting to be exposed inside the retina, stuck there, kept in secret. With no one to know, no one to solve.

The parchment, only reading,
"Thou knowest the mask of night is on my face,
Else would a maiden blush bepaint my cheek
For that which thou hast heard me speak tonight-"
It could only bring tears down her cheek, as she stared at the beautiful marred face and it's cruel smile, bestowing upon her, not a sense of infinite pity, but just senses of hatred, and sin.

The feeling she felt around, as she sat alone on a stool, perching herself as comfortably as she could, trying not to notice what others around are doing. Others could only see gardens filled with sulphur-yellow roses, with warm air, ladened with spices, but all she could see in her eyes, were just dark clouds floating above with what seemed like tears, coming down from the skies.

The tapestries on the wall, exquisite as you can ever imagine, with the different style and taste on each of them, hung there blankly, as people admired them. She could never be one with that different style, she could never be the one with a different taste. She alone, could never be someone people can admire. She alone, can never be something people appreciate.

Heaving a sigh, she stared out at the screens, looking at the overcast skies, covering over her. Her eyelids closed slowly, as her lips mumbled what others could not hear.
Tears dropped down her cheeks once more.
She could only mumble again, the words of pain she felt.
She could only shut her eyes, to try and end the pain she feels.
Her heart could only tighten.
It could do no more.

In her eyes, the things beyond imagine appears there. In her eyes, the sadness, how every worthless pain ends up there, how a whimsical person made it seem that way. It's ironic, it's what she feels.

The tantrum beating up in her furiously, trying to get out and just blow like a trumpet. It hides, subservient.
She kneels on a hassock, painfully trying to clear every trace of envisage in her mind, every trace of temptation to chasten someone.
It's so difficult, it's so hard. It's excruciating. Yet, it's what she has to face.

Each day facing a new era. Her eyes blaze as the Sun shines high up above. The overcast skies around her darkens her world. She creates her own world, she rules it herself. She makes it sad, she makes it gloomy. She changes everything within it, to what feeds her mood. The mandate given to rule her mind was to him.

Her life, her story. It was like a matinee, an art, a picture that potrays the feeling and the biography of everything there seems to be. That premonition can always be felt, that predicament. Let's ratify to it, there's nothing more we can do.

Words cannot explain alone. Time within her limits.
She can do no more, she really can't. She allowed herself to be in a delirium, she deserves all she can. This is what becomes of a someone.
A someone who has no desire to learn.
A someone unable to gallivant.
A someone, now a nothing.
A someone, who's gone.

She looked up at the skies, breathing heavily, as her eyelids started becoming heavier.

She has done everything she could to help him, she has done everything to prove herself, yet all he could do to repay her, was to say that she wasn't doing good enough.
So much did she wanted to tell him how much she is concerned over him, so much did she want to tell him how much he is to her, yet the words can't get out.

Tears escaped her eyes, and rolled down her cheeks. It was just what happened every other day. She felt so lost, she felt so depressed. She just feels tired, of the same thing happening every single time. She just wishes, that she could just end her life. Slitting herself, like what everyone else is doing, or just keep running in a distance, without stopping. Breaking free of all the troubles she is facing, escaping from reality, escaping from what life has always been.

The dark cold reminisce keeps haunting her... ever so much. That flicker of hope within her, just keeps going on. No matter how small that flicker was, no matter how much it looks as though it would go off, she still has that hope. She still has that faith.
It keeps burning on, every night, but he doesn't know, he doesn't care.

Those thoughts, those flashbacks. It was a saccharine reminisce for her. No matter how much it tortures her, no matter how much it torments her. She still continued. Hoping for him, caring for him.

Days of dreaming in a refectory, looking around at the monastery, thinking about so many things. She feels as though everything she touches becomes defile. She feels like a delinquent. He was just so fastidious. She wish she could frolic around, and just be happy, but something within her holds her back....
Him.

It was so ignominious of her, but does she care? She was just like an imbecile. She was impenetrable. People tried so much to tell her and help her, but it was just an impasse. He was just an impinge on her. She was broken.

A mantra continuously hummed, a prayer continuously repeated. All useless, all just futile. It's only after so long, does she finally realize. Her new found strength, and revitalize. All she can do now was to be taciturn. Tabulating everything she collects, thinking everything thorough.
Her world is already broken, her life is already spoilt, and still unintentionally, she follows the same footstep, going over through the same torture she has already once gone trough.

She can never learn, she never has.

曹格- 兩隻戀人